What to do when a friend is diagnosed with breast cancer from Barbara Hensley I am not a doctor, nurse, psychiatrist or social worker. I have just had the opportunity to be with my two sisters during their breast cancer journey. I have also collected suggestions from the many women who are associated with the Hope Chest. So I share these ideas from my heart. In your own heart, you will recognize what will help your friend. I hope this helps you to be a friend! Your friend, Barbara (For ease in writing, I use female pronouns. I am very aware that men get breast cancer and these suggestions easily apply to both genders.) Emotional 1. Do not shy away because you do not know what to say or what to do. Being there when she needs you (however she needs you) is what is important 2. Lots of hugs 3. Listen to her fears; be respectful of how and when she wants to talk or needs help 4. Support her decisions: to work or not to work; to continue her social life or to drop her social life; to be public or private about her breast cancer 5. Help her with the research: where to get a wig, pajamas, bras, hot lines, medical resources, etc. 6. Encourage exercise and healthy eating 7. Respect her need for privacy 8. Suggest Caring Bridges as a way to communicate her status with friends; if she is not up to doing it, offer to do it for her. 9. She may want to talk about what happens if she should not survive. She is afraid. This need to talk can happen even if her situation is not considered fatal. Be her confidant. Respect her faith. 10. If the prognosis is that she will not survive, offer to help with her planning: who and how to tell; find a lawyer for the will, discuss funeral arrangements, where she would like her personal items to go, etc. 11. Just do! It is often difficult for her to ask for help (meals, phone calls, someone to talk to, etc.). 12. Listen, listen, listen! Diagnosis and Doctor’s visits 1. Go with her to Dr. appointments if there is no one else 2. Buy a spiral notebook and start taking notes for her from the very beginning: include which doctor she met with; what was said; medications; alternatives, next actions, everything; date your entries; this is a journal of her journey and she will not remember most of what is said to her in the early days. In the back, keep a list of all of her questions and concerns so the next time she is with her doctors she has them ready 3. Encourage second opinions, and if she is not comfortable with her doctor, find a new one 4. Listen, listen, listen! Surgery/hospital/recovery time 1. The surgery is tough. Help her get pajamas or night gowns that are very stoft and seamless if possible and that button down the front (it is hard to lift your arms and slip into a night gown) . 2. Put together a care package for the family while they are at the hospital during the surgery; check on their favorite snacks, drinks, etc. Do not bring too much so they will have to carry excess away with them: couple of apples, bananas, granola bars, juice; small notebook and pens; deck of cards; tissue. Put your care package in a disposable bag so they can toss when done. Deliver your care package once she is in surgery. Use your closeness to the family in determining whether to stay. 3. Respect her desires for visitors at the hospital; she needs her sleep and does not feel good (or she would not be in the hospital); many people prefer not to have visitors during this time 4. Flowers are typically okay following the surgery, but it is wise to check with the nurses station 5. For recovery at home: books are great gift….good reading soothes the soul; movies, books on tape; does she knit, paint, write? If so, help her have the supplies she needs. 6. Coordinate child care and car pools for the kids; take them on an fun outing. 7. Feed the family; take care of the yard; water the plants; walk the dog; feed the cat. 8. Take her to doctor visits; take notes. 9. Listen, listen, listen! After surgery 1. Most people remember to send flowers, visit, prepare food related to a hospital stay….but remember the treatment can also very tough 2. Be there for her through her treatment period; check in by phone or email; visit; send little gifts 3. If she has no one to go to treatment with her, take her and sit with her. 4. Chemo can take hours and is boring; my sisters both loved a chocolate milk shake or some other indulgence as a treat. 5. During chemo, depending on her likes, bring things like: music to listen to; magazines, crossword puzzles, cards or other games for two; a sleep mask/pillow; journal to write in; take something for you to do as she may just want to sleep 6. Go with her to buy her wig 7. Chemo/radiation side effects may increase over time; as the weeks go by she may become more tired; be there for her; send in a cleaning service 8. Get her treatment schedule and send a note the day after treatment; take her a bouquet (if she is allowed to have flowers) a pretty journal; a new scarf; make a prayer shawl. 9. Chemo often effects the circulation: a warm lap blanket is great. I purchased a twin size electric blanket for my sisters that they carried with them through out the house: watching TV, reading, etc. 10. Knit or buy her some soft chemo caps to keep her head warm (the Hope Chest usually has them in stock). 11. Offer to take walks with her; short ones to begin with! 12. Listen, listen, listen Basic needs 1. Feed her, feed her family; feed her pets; ask if certain food smells are offensive; ask what sounds good; 2. Respect her need to wear a wig, hat or scarf or to just be bare headed 3. Do the grocery shopping 4. Help with cleaning the house 5. Do the laundry 6. Water the plants 7. Take care of the children; drive car-pool; talk with them and listen to them. 8. Walk the dog 9. Screen telephone calls 10. Help with insurance and tracking her bills; set up a three ring binder by doctor, hospital, clinic, insurance provider 11. Keep a list of phone calls, gifts, flowers and meals for thank you notes. Offer to have her dictate them to you and you do the writing 12. Openly share your feelings 13. Listen, listen, listen